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Heart Wrenching Decisions

For the past several months, I’ve been soul searching. It has been heart wrenching. Unexpected. And exquisite in some ways.

I got into a working relationship and agreed to do work that had nothing to do with my dreams for my career. At the time, I thought it did. I was convinced of it. I hoped for an outcome that would lead me forward, but eventually got to a moment where my internal suffering was so unbearable that I had to walk away.

I was being given validation every day by other people, but I wasn’t receiving validation from myself. My fulfillment factor was off. I let what others thought dictate my direction.

I have regrets. Mostly, not listening to myself sooner. Have you had a moment like that? A moment when you knew you had to walk away from something, but you were scared?

I was scared. I’ve always feared my own light. I think we all do. Could I stand on my own? And stand strong this time? Could I wait for my dreams to unravel instead of distracting myself with opportunities that are so clearly not mine?

Can I find enough fulfillment here, now, inside of me without needing validation from anywhere except from the silence within?

I have been reeling. Swaying between the exciting opportunities I have been given through my new book and wondering how, I…found myself in a spot where I allowed myself to create distance between my heart and my soul.

It has felt like one step forward, two steps back most of the time. I am crawling back to a new version of me that I’ve never known. More grateful. More connected. Less willing to let anything in that doesn’t bring fulfillment and meaning to my life.

Relentless hope is taking the place of what has felt like relentless doubt. I am nowhere near where I want to be…but I am ok with that. There’s joy here. There’s love here. There’s forgiveness here.

I’ve been invited back to the mirror to remember that: the only attainable thing in life is…being true to yourself. #work #love #opportunities #people #grateful #career #heldandfree #betruetoyourself #relentesshope #hope #forgiveness

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