You Are Enough

“Coach, can you put me in a different position?” A 9-year-old softball player asked me in between innings. She had tears in her eyes, and as one of her coaches, I wanted to help.

“Why do you want to go to another position?” I asked, surprised. I had never heard her sound so insecure.

She shrugged.

Then it hit me, she had just made a mistake in the field in the last inning.

“Is it because you made a mistake?” I asked curiously.

She nodded yes.

I put my arm around her shoulders, and I whispered, “I am 41-years-old and I still make mistakes every day. I promise you that you will make another mistake, maybe even in this game. But, it’s not about the mistake. It’s about what you do with the mistake. Feel the disappointment, learn, and move on.”

She stood there processing what I was saying.

“What did you learn from your mistake?” I asked gently.

She told me what she could do better if she were in that situation again.

I leaned in and looked her in the eyes. She stared intently back. I said, “You’ve got this.”

She sighed, dried her tears, grabbed her glove, and went back to her position.

When she ran onto the field, I thought of myself. All the times I beat myself up for silly things, big things, miscellaneous things…things that are so big in my mind and not big, at all, in the minds of others.

I thought of all of the other instances I had helped guide these 9/10-year-old softball players through their struggles of defeat, and one thing hit me that is also true for me when I make a mistake.

I don’t feel good enough.

Except, I don’t pause to let myself just feel that, and move on.

This morning, in fact, I was contemplating all that has happened this year and asked myself this question in meditation, “What is going to keep me from moving forward into my greatness?”

Waves of my past pointed to a pattern of poignant disregard for the underlying issue…that in those tough moments…I didn’t heal the not good enough parts of me. I have never gone back to those moments and let myself be there, let myself feel my feelings.

But, I did today.

And I hugged me. I hugged the version of me that I was when I was being hurt.

I caressed her face the same way I do my daughters when she is upset. I held her hand. I told her it’s going to be ok. I told her that she is good enough. I told her to feel her feelings, learn, and move on.

It felt good to be gentle with all versions of myself in the same way I am gentle with others.

So, my mantra for this week (and perhaps, for forever): feel, learn, move on.

Being enough is given. Knowing we are enough is a choice. Believing we are enough is work. Do the work.

Heart Wrenching Decisions

For the past several months, I’ve been soul searching. It has been heart wrenching. Unexpected. And exquisite in some ways.

I got into a working relationship and agreed to do work that had nothing to do with my dreams for my career. At the time, I thought it did. I was convinced of it. I hoped for an outcome that would lead me forward, but eventually got to a moment where my internal suffering was so unbearable that I had to walk away.

I was being given validation every day by other people, but I wasn’t receiving validation from myself. My fulfillment factor was off. I let what others thought dictate my direction.

I have regrets. Mostly, not listening to myself sooner. Have you had a moment like that? A moment when you knew you had to walk away from something, but you were scared?

I was scared. I’ve always feared my own light. I think we all do. Could I stand on my own? And stand strong this time? Could I wait for my dreams to unravel instead of distracting myself with opportunities that are so clearly not mine?

Can I find enough fulfillment here, now, inside of me without needing validation from anywhere except from the silence within?

I have been reeling. Swaying between the exciting opportunities I have been given through my new book and wondering how, I…found myself in a spot where I allowed myself to create distance between my heart and my soul.

It has felt like one step forward, two steps back most of the time. I am crawling back to a new version of me that I’ve never known. More grateful. More connected. Less willing to let anything in that doesn’t bring fulfillment and meaning to my life.

Relentless hope is taking the place of what has felt like relentless doubt. I am nowhere near where I want to be…but I am ok with that. There’s joy here. There’s love here. There’s forgiveness here.

I’ve been invited back to the mirror to remember that: the only attainable thing in life is…being true to yourself. #work #love #opportunities #people #grateful #career #heldandfree #betruetoyourself #relentesshope #hope #forgiveness

Just Tell Me You Love Me

Last week was a hard week. I felt like I was against the world in a lot of ways.

Sometimes that happens. Life catches up, we get tired, and everything around us gets hard.

I could tell it was taking its toll on Merit too. I was more impatient, less present, and easily distracted. I was aware of my state of being and was in the process of doing some self-care and reflection to get back to center.

When Merit doesn't get what she wants (she hates being told no), or gets frustrated, or angry, or feels disconnected from me...she often will express herself in a maddening circle of making no sense at all. She shakes her little body, trying to tell me what is she wants to say but can't get it out because of all of the feelings. I remember being that little - I remember all of those emotions and not knowing what to do with them. Sometimes I respond well. Sometimes I don't.

After one of these moments, I asked her, "Merit, what can I do for you when you are mad, angry, sad, or frustrated?"

She didn't hesitate, "Just tell me you love me."

Tears welled in my eyes. So simple. So, I asked her, "What do I do if I tell you I love you and you are still struggling?"

"Just tell me you love me again."

It makes me cry just thinking about her wise words. Isn't love what we ALL want in moments like these? What if someone just reached out when they could tell that we are struggling and said, "I love you," or "You are loved."

The next day, Merit was starting to get frustrated by something, starting to shake her body, and unable to say what she wanted to...I looked at her with the upmost presence and respect, "Merit, I love you."

She grinned ear to ear, ran from across the room to hug me, and said, "You did it. You remembered."

Everything shifted for her and we were able to talk about what was going on for her. She just needs a safe place to land. We all need a safe place to land. We all need to be seen by those we love the most.

I know the feeling of not feeling loved when I am going through something hard. Connection matters. Intentional love shifts things.

I was getting gas the other day, and the man behind me was being so impatient...honked his horn, shaking his fist at me to move out of his way faster. My first thought was to just sit there a little longer to make him pay for his impatience, but then I remembered Merit's words, "Just tell me you love me." And I instantly thought, he must be in a lot of pain. He must need someone to just tell him that they love him. So, I sent him love energetically. It shifted things for me.

We need more good in this world. I believe people are good, we just have to be willing to look past the façade of ourselves and others...and remember that we all just want to be loved. Merit has, once again, shown me the way back to myself.

#peoplearegood #lifewithmerit #connection #iloveyou #youareloved #remember