“No!” Merit stood as far away from me as possible and didn’t want me to come near her. We were at Ryder’s baseball game and she wanted to play with the big kids. Mama was cramping her style. Any time I would take a step towards her, she’d yell louder, “No!!” I rolled with it and gave her some space.
This was the first time that playing with mama wasn’t cool. At almost 2.5 years old…I wasn’t quite ready for this. But, then again, are we ever really ready for the rapid changes our children go through? They go from being a baby to a toddager overnight.
While I was beaming with pride for her insistence to be independent, the other part of me was missing my baby girl. And so goes the journey of motherhood – constant letting go every. single. day. Sometimes they curl into your chest and won’t let go and other moments they push you away because they want to do everything on their own.
Motherhood has made me raw. And vulnerable. And has made me grow up.
I am so thankful that Merit has enough confidence in herself and the courage to put herself out there on her own terms and in the way she wants to. I am glad she doesn’t need me to feel safe all of the time.
I kept gazing my eyes over to check on her and my presence was near. I’ve always said that I want her to feel held and free. That’s the way my mom always made me feel even when so much of letting me be myself was hard for her.
On our way home from the ballpark, I watched Merit go to sleep in her car-seat. She didn’t want me touching her, but she wanted me next to her. As her eyes got heavy and as she slowly started fading, I had one of those moments. One of those moments when you feel all of the feelings about w
hat has been and what is now.
The beauty of it all is overwhelming. As I relished the moment of watching her peacefully go to sleep, I moved a piece of her hair from her face to behind her ear, and my eyes swelled with tears.
Watching your child grow up is breathtaking. My hope is to stay present with her and accept her as she is and as she grows. I haven’t been perfect. I won’t be perfect. But I will always love her more than she will ever know. #lifewithmerit #motherhood #mamamoments #change