One of my fears when we thought about having a baby was the kind of daycare she would receive. Most options here are church based, but churches haven't always been a welcoming and accepting place for me or my family.
I stayed home with Merit initially because I wanted to. I have been doing so until this past January when it was clear that she needed more than just me. We found an amazing home day care that she has loved and thrived in. The woman who has been caring for Merit, so I could dive back into my work, is moving.
So, we had to begin our search again. And because nothing is available around here, we have had to give the church daycare options a chance. Merit needs to be challenged and socially active. When we drove up for a tour today to one of the daycares, the thought crossed my mind that Clare and I shouldn't tell them we are married. As quickly as thought came in - it went out when I asked myself, "Who do I want to be in this situation?" Authentic - even if it means rejection.
Upon arrival, one of the teachers asked Clare if she was Merit's grandmother (she gets that all the time), and Clare said no, I am her other mom. The woman laughed and apologized, bent down towards Merit and said, "You are so lucky to have two moms."
My fears linger today because they have been so much a part of my experience. But then I remember that I am secure in myself - and that I can handle rejection when it happens. I have seen enough and been through enough to know that anyone's lack of acceptance towards me isn't about me. Plus, I love me - I don't need anyone else's acceptance. It's so easy to revert to our past traumas and one of my favorite tools to use to kick me back into the present is to ask myself, "Who do I want to be in this moment?" It always helps redirect me.