Who Do I Want To Be In Moments Of Fear?

One of my fears when we thought about having a baby was the kind of daycare she would receive. Most options here are church based, but churches haven't always been a welcoming and accepting place for me or my family.

I stayed home with Merit initially because I wanted to. I have been doing so until this past January when it was clear that she needed more than just me. We found an amazing home day care that she has loved and thrived in. The woman who has been caring for Merit, so I could dive back into my work, is moving.

So, we had to begin our search again. And because nothing is available around here, we have had to give the church daycare options a chance. Merit needs to be challenged and socially active. When we drove up for a tour today to one of the daycares, the thought crossed my mind that Clare and I shouldn't tell them we are married. As quickly as thought came in - it went out when I asked myself, "Who do I want to be in this situation?" Authentic - even if it means rejection.

Upon arrival, one of the teachers asked Clare if she was Merit's grandmother (she gets that all the time), and Clare said no, I am her other mom. The woman laughed and apologized, bent down towards Merit and said, "You are so lucky to have two moms."

My fears linger today because they have been so much a part of my experience. But then I remember that I am secure in myself - and that I can handle rejection when it happens. I have seen enough and been through enough to know that anyone's lack of acceptance towards me isn't about me. Plus, I love me - I don't need anyone else's acceptance. It's so easy to revert to our past traumas and one of my favorite tools to use to kick me back into the present is to ask myself, "Who do I want to be in this moment?" It always helps redirect me.

I am grateful for today's experience. It opened my heart, and that's what life is about. My sweet and precious child will be in good hands. #lifewithmerit #whodoyouwanttobe

Walking the Line of Parenthood

“No!” Merit stood as far away from me as possible and didn’t want me to come near her. We were at Ryder’s baseball game and she wanted to play with the big kids. Mama was cramping her style. Any time I would take a step towards her, she’d yell louder, “No!!” I rolled with it and gave her some space.

This was the first time that playing with mama wasn’t cool. At almost 2.5 years old…I wasn’t quite ready for this. But, then again, are we ever really ready for the rapid changes our children go through? They go from being a baby to a toddager overnight.

While I was beaming with pride for her insistence to be independent, the other part of me was missing my baby girl. And so goes the journey of motherhood – constant letting go every. single. day. Sometimes they curl into your chest and won’t let go and other moments they push you away because they want to do everything on their own.

Motherhood has made me raw. And vulnerable. And has made me grow up.

I am so thankful that Merit has enough confidence in herself and the courage to put herself out there on her own terms and in the way she wants to. I am glad she doesn’t need me to feel safe all of the time.

I kept gazing my eyes over to check on her and my presence was near. I’ve always said that I want her to feel held and free. That’s the way my mom always made me feel even when so much of letting me be myself was hard for her.

On our way home from the ballpark, I watched Merit go to sleep in her car-seat. She didn’t want me touching her, but she wanted me next to her. As her eyes got heavy and as she slowly started fading, I had one of those moments. One of those moments when you feel all of the feelings about w

hat has been and what is now.

The beauty of it all is overwhelming. As I relished the moment of watching her peacefully go to sleep, I moved a piece of her hair from her face to behind her ear, and my eyes swelled with tears.

Watching your child grow up is breathtaking. My hope is to stay present with her and accept her as she is and as she grows. I haven’t been perfect. I won’t be perfect. But I will always love her more than she will ever know. #lifewithmerit #motherhood #mamamoments #change

Summer Emerging

Just a year ago, we looked at this property for the first time and we fell in love with the land. COVID was still a mystery and quarantine forced us to ask the question, "What do we want?" We had always wanted to live on a good amount of land in the country off of Oktoc Road somewhere.

We weren't sure if we could afford this property, but when Clare and I search our hearts and discover what we want...we go after it and trust a way will be made.

It hasn't been an easy year for anyone. So. Much. Change. And so much opportunity for reflection and heart-gripping growth. This past year alone we've: sold the first house we ever owned, bought our forever home, lost our kitty Rumi, lost our beloved friend Inger, lived through a renovation with a two-year-old and four animals, had a LOT of challenges business wise, Clare moved back to having her own clinic doing what she loves, I started working again after three years, I almost lost Clare again, Clare's mom moved in with us, her mom also had some serious health issues and we almost lost her too, Merit started daycare and has changed in oh so many ways, we've had so many hard conversations with so many different people, we have had to hear some hard things and say some hard things, we've had relationships shift and deepen, and so much more.

At the end of every day, no matter what has happened, I am grateful that I am home with my little family. I am so proud of the life we have created and I know I will grow prouder still. All of the tough and challenging moments always bring me to "seeing" clearer and they push me to open my heart further - even when a part of me wants to close off.

Ultimately, I've learned in such a profound way that connection to myself, nature, and to others is what makes my world go round.

Here are some pics of summer emerging on our property.